On the 'Up and Up', so to speak...

Alrighty then.

Hello.

So - my scale is acting strangely today. It's one of those "no-nonsense, step-on" varieties that has - all of a sudden - begun acting strangely by only turning on if I first remove/replace the batteries.. and then it gives me sporadic numbers by which I cannot quite tell what my exact weight is. Gah! Instead, I resorted to weighing myself a few times until a single, consistent number arose - and then I also pulled out one of my old scales that I have not used for some time for comparison. My results:

Scale #1 (the "bipolar" one, it seems): an increase of 0.8 lbs since yesterday.
Scale #2 (pulled out from the trenches): an increase of 1.5 lbs since yesterday.

Yikes! The difference of either scale (but especially of Scale #2) frightens me a bit... Yet, in a strange way, I'm pleased. Yes, I realize that my weight gain is inevitable, as that is one of my own goals at the moment, but it is always surprising at how quickly the first few stages seem to go in terms of weight change.

I'm frightened of letting go of that identity I mentioned in my post yesterday.

I.
Am.
Losing....

NO.

I am gaining myself.

And for that, I am pleased.



Good day, friends~

*tips hat*

***

"Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass. It’s about learning to dance in the rain."
-Unknown

I am but a concept.

Good Eve:

Well. I did it again: On top of consuming my normal meals and snacks for the day - of which I typically eat the same things every day - I successfully achieved my goal of consuming three Boost nutritional drinks yet again. It's almost a curse that the drinks are so delicious; they make me desire them all the more. Yet, it is frightening to know that I am drinking them in order to gain weight. But, in the end, I know that what I want is beyond the scope of mere "weight." I seek "total body wellness," as I have been calling it, and that goes beyond calories toward my ultimate goal: ensuring my heart, liver, kidneys, etc.. are healthy and at full-functioning capacity... and that requires health beyond a single number on a scale. However, the weight aspect is the beginning of such wellness, and - given the various years I have been of low weight - changing that is... like attempting to cross the depths of some unknown darkness - with nothing but a scratchy rope beneath my feet, cutting into my flesh if I stray forward but digging even deeper if I remain in place. So where does that leave me...? In the "here and now." Inching forward. Reaching my arms toward a darkness of which the end is uncertain. All I know is that whatever lies on the other side (and by "other side," I mean whatever lies beyond the torturous tightrope and cavernous yawn) is beautiful. It is a place where the struggles are not completely over, yet it is a place where those struggles are manageable... a place where weight and food and calories in general will still be on my mind - but they are the far periphery. They are  but a wisp of thought, driven to mind on my control - by my whims. And it is glorious.

But - anyway... To get there is the "road less traveled."

Many people think those who struggle with anorexia despise food for what it is, but this is not so - at least, no so for me or for others whom I have met and who also share such an illness. No indeed. I adore the feeling of being "full"; however, I 'adore' it when it is a fullness that I permit and not one that is forced upon me. You see? Take tonight, for example (as with every night, save the Boost aspect, as my three-a-day is a new phenomenon): I consume 9 cups of substance. 9cups - 6 of which consist of liquid and 3 of which consist of yogurt. But it is because these are foods (and drink, including Boost) that I allow (and foods that I am, for the most part, comfortable with consuming), it puts the foods in the realm of being "okay." Thus, I covet the full feeling it gives me. I adore food. I adore sweets! That is why each time I eat, it is almost a "sacred" thing - and by this I mean that I look forward to it and I reserve certain times for when I eat. (In this case, I purposefully leave this food/drink that I "allow" myself to consume for a single point in time. In this way, the fullness is under my control. And... I love it. I look forward to the next instance that I eat). However, once I begin to gain more weight, the "full" aspect may not feel as appealing any longer. We will see -- with time. And I will let you (my online diary of sorts) know.
So far, so good.
One pound gained since Friday.

Hurrah~

But why? Why do I care so much about weight and calories and food intake? What does it all mean? Honestly, it means nothing. And yet... it means everything. My weight has become a sort of identity, just as my grades (which have rarely, if at all, fallen below a 4.0) have. For some reason, the ability to control my body and what I eat fulfills within me the desire for perfection - a perfection which I know to be unattainable, but which I strive for, all the same - in my own way. I daresay it is such a simple concept that I lack the proper words with which to describe it. In that way, it may just be one of the more difficult things to explain. It's queer, really. The simplicity is indescribably difficult to articulate, yet the psychology of it all enunciates things clearly. Complexity lies in individuality, which is - in itself - a puzzle. Gah!

Anyway... in an effort to make things a bit more clear, what am I without my eating disorder, without my grades?

I am Nevaeyeh.  

Yes - but what does that mean?

To you, the average reader, nothing. Nothing at all.
I am nobody.
Not a thing.
Not even a name - nor a word.

And why is that?

It's because you have no concept from which to build "me" upon. If you knew another of the same name, you may conjure a kind of mental portrait about what you think "I" am - or who. But, aside from technicalities or associations, I am nobody because I could be anybody: You have no grounds from which to place me simply by my telling you that my name is "Nevaeyeh." Which it may be.
Or not.
Or yes.
You don't know. You cannot be sure.
But I know what else you may be wondering...
Do I have brown hair, blonde, black? Are my eyes of green, gray, or blue? Am I female, for that matter? My name may sound feminine, but do you really know? No.
Thus, I. Am. Nobody.

Yet - if I say I have anorexia, then an entire collage of images immediately floods your mind with whatever associations, biases, or supposed truths you have regarding the topic. You may picture a model you admire (such is Society's doing) or a down and depressed individual with hollow eyes and gaunt cheeks. Or you may combine the two images - or create your own "label." Whatever the case, saying one has an eating disorder automatically seems to put expectations in the minds of others as to who the person is, what the person is like, and on and on (just like with anything else, admittedly). And, for some like myself, the "people pleasers," as many call us, those mental images and expectations become a source that we feed upon and strive to uphold - unconsciously, of course. Rarely do I find one who is suffering, or who has suffered, from an eating disorder solely because of wanting malnourishment or extreme thinness simply for the sake of it. The eating disorder becomes more of a mask for something deeper within a person, but it comes out through actions (or lack thereof) regarding food, exercise, binging, purging, laxative-use, etc, etc... (Just to let you know, I am purely a restrictive anorexic - no binging, purging, etc.. I used to be an over-exerciser as well, but - alas - no longer. Such is the better, I s'ppose). Thus, for me, I don't know who I would be without the automated understanding of being anorexic - just as I don't know who I would be without "4.0" stamped on my forehead. Being "anorexic" makes me a part of a group, which, to me, is important, for my eating disorder has stripped me of my social habits (which is more difficult to remedy than you may think), among other things...

But... if I am not "the anorexic," then I feel like I have lost something - a piece of myself. Although you may not understand the strength of such a feeling, my hope is that you can understand the feeling of inadequacy and association so that the concept of what I am trying to relaty to you may make sense. Psychology fascinates me, and I hope to go more into the topic regarding that and eating disorders at a later point in time, but for now, I best cut this short. I have class in the morn anyway~

Switching gears: As a last "update" for today, I must admit that I considered having four Boosts today. In all honesty, I didn't feel quite well earlier, and my chest/heart felt a bit... odd. Granted, my tiredness ("fatigue," if you want to be politically correct) was most likely due to the fact that it was a chill, rainy sort of day, but - all the same - this "not quite feeling up-to-snuff" thing almost prompted me to incorporate a fourth Boost.
I must be insane.
Or brilliant.
Or, simply put, more kindly toward my body.
Whatever the case, I'm feeling better now (a bit anxious for the morrow), and I'm hoping the morn brings warmer weather. At least lanugo is good for something on days like today though, right?
Okay...
Bad joke.

Who knows what tomorrow will bring?

Signing off~

***

In Honor of NEDA~

G'morning,

I wanted to post a quick note this morn, not only to briefly update on my progress since my recent "Boost-incorporation-push" (of which I have been keeping up thus far with 3/day and have gained exactly one pound since Friday), but also to help spread awareness for this week's dedicated "NEDA Week."

Although a week should never go by in which the struggles of those who are suffering should be forgotten, I always like to highlight this period of time for recognition, as it is clearly a week in which attention is garnered toward eating disorders and the devastation is places - not only on the individual at hand - but also on families, friends, peers, etc... Thus, although I am not always a fan of "statistics", I find that this claim strikes me in particular: A review of nearly fifty years of research confirms that anorexia nervosa has the highest mortality rate of any psychiatric disorder.

Indeed, eating disorders are not illnesses to be taken lightly, and I hope, through awareness, that help can be extended to those who need it and that prevention of this deadly disease can be made: for men and women alike. 

*Images found via: http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/get-facts-eating-disorders

An Introduction

To the Masses:

I know not how often I will keep this blog going, but - upon whim - I felt as though my recent declaration against what many of you may know as Anorexia Nervosa should be said aloud. For years now I have struggled with an eating disorder, and this past weekend, I put my foot down; that's right: enough is enough. Rather than continue to maintain the dangerously low weight that has been a form of my identity for so long, I wish to make reparations and heal my body. It is important to me to say such a thing aloud, which I have not done openly before, as it makes my decision feel more "permanent" - in that I feel a stronger dedication toward my goal with the public aware of what I have avowed.

Although I dislike posting numbers and specifics online, as I feel it may trigger those with Obsessive Compulsive tendencies (and/or those who are also struggling with an eating disorder and find that they often compare themselves with others), I am going to say only this: As a 20-year-old with a BMI of 12-point-something-or-other, I have realized I need to make a change, and I need to make a change NOW. Thus, my blog begins today, and as I go through the various phases of independent recovery, I hope to keep this blog alive, in the hopes that it may inspire others who are also struggling.

Perhaps this blog can become a safehaven for others to talk about their struggles and routes toward recovery? Perhaps it can become a motivator, offer support, lend a kind word... Perhaps it can help others to love themselves and strip their identity of numbers or illusive forms of control to - instead - who the individual is as they were born to be. Whatever the case, change begins NOW.

*tips hat*